turbulence

for sound advice is a beacon, 

good teaching is a light,

moral discipline is a life path.

they'll protect you from wanton women, 

from the seductive talk of some temptress.

don't lustfully fantasize on her beauty, 

nor be taken in by her bedroom eyes.

you can buy an hour with a whore for a loaf of bread, 

but a wanton woman may well eat you alive.

can you build a fire in your lap 

and not burn your pants?

can you walk barefoot on hot coals 

and not get blisters?

proverbs 6:23-28 (the message)

i started this blog with intensity and passion. my first three posts were written with fervent momentum. it seemed that everything was going to flow, smoothly, out of my heart and soul and into this blog.

then i experienced a little block. i just couldn't think of what to post next. i thought, "no big deal, the inspiration will come again soon." 

then came the turbulence, like a sudden storm. 

as of the time of the writing of this post, i haven't used drugs or consumed alcohol for 14.5 months. there have been many bumps along the way, but nothing quite as stupid as what i have been walking through over the past two weeks.

i don't feel inclined to get into specifics, but the bullshit just keeps coming. i am one guy with a limited supply of patience. i like to think my reservoir of patience is quite vast, but that is debatable. i think it is greater for certain people and situations than it is for others.

anyhow, i reached out to help someone. true, my motives were not completely selfless. they were somewhat askew. i ended up getting blamed and accused and threatened and hated because i chose to stand up for someone that i felt was being exploited. turns out my help was unwelcome. 

maybe i should just have stayed out of it all. but i wouldn't feel very comfortable with myself if i had. sometimes we just need to take action so that we can be okay with seeing our own likeness in the mirror every morning. 

“The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience.”

~unknown

i want to lay down, now, the inherent lesson in this particular situation. at least as best i have been able to determine it. 

there is a saying that is thrown about the rooms where i go to share my recovery with others. it is said often, and i have always casually agreed with it. however, like any other experiential lesson in life, hands on is the best way to learn anything. dammit.

this is the saying: don't go putting your fire hat on, expecting to save the world.

here is the understanding that my experience has brought me to:

• i am an addict. i am not a fireman.
• it is okay for fireman to go into a situation and save people, even if something is lost in the process. this is the fireman's job and what is expected of him.
• i am an addict. if i go into a fire and pull someone out of a bad situation, as potentially devastating and life threatening as that situation may be to the person i am trying to help, i am likely to be held liable for the whole damned thing. especially if someone's reputation is damaged in the process. it is highly likely that a person will only see that this stupid addict showed up and ruined their life. they may even blame the addict for causing the thing to begin with.
• some people like fire, and would prefer to just stay there and burn. hard to believe, but true.
• if i have a big head, and it's too big for a hat, no fire hat in the world is going to save my head from getting fucked up. i am going to get burned. (i.e. i have 14 months clean... i can handle it!)

so there it is whether i like it or not. i am an addict with a big head. i walked into a fire. i got burned. i helped someone, but they hate me for it. now, today, my head is fucked up.

i will write some more when the storm passes. 

blessings!

---j

do not speak to a fool, 

for he will scorn the wisdom of your words

proverbs 23:9 (niv)