gifts

Have you ever known that euphoric feeling when you meet someone who stirs up feelings of attraction and desire almost instantaneously? It can be disorienting and distracting but it's always wonderful! The tricky part is figuring out what to do with the part of yourself that tends to project and respond in equal emotional measure to the possibility of impending rejection.

This kind of thing is not something that happens with me very often. After a massive heartbreak some years back, I had seriously begun to question whether or not I was even capable of having this kind of chemical reaction happen inside of me. I have often felt doomed to a future devoid of internal feeling of much real intensity. It is reassuring to know that a good deal of healing has occurred inside of me.

Anyhow, this sudden urge to write about it has much less to do with the feelings themselves, but rather how to deal with them constructively. The thing is that I'm not really sensing very much of a reciprocating signal. In the past this would be very hard on me. My past experiences have found me striving to impress and to put uncomfortable and unwelcome pressure on the individual that I had felt such attraction toward.

In this instance, I am feeling inclined to simply appreciate the fact that being in the presence of an individual that my insides respond pleasantly too is enough. Just because I am experiencing something does not obligate the other party to participate in or be pressured in any way pertaining to what is entirely personal with me.

The thing is that trying to create a situation that serves me might seem great, but it is truly selfish and inconsiderate. If someone feels a reciprocal attraction I am certain that opportunity to cultivate such a thing will easily and clearly present itself. If it does not happen than I am doing myself and the other party a service by not investing myself in an imagined world that has already created expectations from someone without them even being aware of this insane construct that exists solely in my own head.

Moreover, what would be ideal is for me to be emotionally available when someone who shares a mutual attraction steps into the stage of my life. Getting carried away in a one-sided imaginary romance can be a major roadblock to emotional health and availability. I mean, really, isn't that what we all REALLY want? A true reciprocal of emotional investment? That cannot be attained by dumping our bags of crazy all over someone else's doorstep.

So yeah, I'm content to just take relief in the knowledge that the capacity to experience emotional intensity is present within me. And I'm grateful for the wisdom to not irresponsibly handle myself and wreck possibilities before they exist out the gate by attempting to create situations and outcomes that cater to my personal wants.

Appreciate the simplicity of the gifts that the universe places in your life for what they are. There is no call to distort them by attempting to mold and manipulate them to feed your ego.

Namaste,

-j

soulmates

damn.

i haven't written ANYTHING here in so long!

i will write again... eye promise. but for now i would like to post this little bit that i came across quite some time ago. i love it. i hope it will inspire someone out there to dream, as it did so inspire me to dream. and to hope. and to love so effing deeply that i still can't breathe... i'm still holding my breath...

"a soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. when we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. each unveils the best part of the other. no matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. when we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."

~richard bach

blessings!

---j

step on regrets

"what would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?"

~vincent van gogh

i love to live. i believe that there are only three things in this world that we will carry with us into the next. these three things are our relationships, our experiences, and the emotional imprint of the knowledge that we gain through our relationships and our experiences.

i try to catch and correct myself anytime i start to have feelings of regret concerning anything that i have been through in my life. every decision that have i made has led me to learn valuable lessons through what i experienced as a result of those decisions. some of those experiences were extremely painful for me and/or others. nevertheless, every experience has been crucial to my own growth and i hope that any pain that may have been caused toward others has somehow helped them to grow in ways that they may never have had the opportunity to grow if we had never crossed paths and influenced one another's lives.

"never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted"

~unknown

life is meant to be lived. by this i mean that it is important that we take risks. if we never take risks, we will never have anything or learn anything of any value. imagine if we were to live our entire lives without ever feeling any pain or without ever suffering any loss. imagine if everything in life always went our way, exactly the way that we think we would like for things to be. if we lived in such a world, we would learn nothing at all, nor would we have any appreciation for anything. indeed, we would be very weak souls.

my point here is that regrets are useless. dwelling on those experiences that we perceive as our failures is counterproductive to our growth. to me, it seems far more useful to be thankful for the trials and hardships, the "shortcomings" and "mistakes" in our lives. when we remember painful experiences, let our reflection be postured toward receiving insights on what we have learned and how we can apply that knowledge to our relationships today. let us use this valuable, hard-earned knowledge as leverage to boost us toward experiencing today to it's fullest measure.

don't live underneath the oppression of regret! rather, use those experiences as stones to step on and lift you higher in life! put those feelings beneath you where they belong and rise up and heed the calling to live that is upon you today!

"the clock is running. make the most of today. time waits for no man. yesterday is history. tomorrow is a mystery. today is a gift. that's why it is called the present."

~unknown

blessings!

---j

"experience is how life catches up with us and teaches us to love and forgive each other"

~judy collins

turbulence

for sound advice is a beacon, 

good teaching is a light,

moral discipline is a life path.

they'll protect you from wanton women, 

from the seductive talk of some temptress.

don't lustfully fantasize on her beauty, 

nor be taken in by her bedroom eyes.

you can buy an hour with a whore for a loaf of bread, 

but a wanton woman may well eat you alive.

can you build a fire in your lap 

and not burn your pants?

can you walk barefoot on hot coals 

and not get blisters?

proverbs 6:23-28 (the message)

i started this blog with intensity and passion. my first three posts were written with fervent momentum. it seemed that everything was going to flow, smoothly, out of my heart and soul and into this blog.

then i experienced a little block. i just couldn't think of what to post next. i thought, "no big deal, the inspiration will come again soon." 

then came the turbulence, like a sudden storm. 

as of the time of the writing of this post, i haven't used drugs or consumed alcohol for 14.5 months. there have been many bumps along the way, but nothing quite as stupid as what i have been walking through over the past two weeks.

i don't feel inclined to get into specifics, but the bullshit just keeps coming. i am one guy with a limited supply of patience. i like to think my reservoir of patience is quite vast, but that is debatable. i think it is greater for certain people and situations than it is for others.

anyhow, i reached out to help someone. true, my motives were not completely selfless. they were somewhat askew. i ended up getting blamed and accused and threatened and hated because i chose to stand up for someone that i felt was being exploited. turns out my help was unwelcome. 

maybe i should just have stayed out of it all. but i wouldn't feel very comfortable with myself if i had. sometimes we just need to take action so that we can be okay with seeing our own likeness in the mirror every morning. 

“The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience.”

~unknown

i want to lay down, now, the inherent lesson in this particular situation. at least as best i have been able to determine it. 

there is a saying that is thrown about the rooms where i go to share my recovery with others. it is said often, and i have always casually agreed with it. however, like any other experiential lesson in life, hands on is the best way to learn anything. dammit.

this is the saying: don't go putting your fire hat on, expecting to save the world.

here is the understanding that my experience has brought me to:

• i am an addict. i am not a fireman.
• it is okay for fireman to go into a situation and save people, even if something is lost in the process. this is the fireman's job and what is expected of him.
• i am an addict. if i go into a fire and pull someone out of a bad situation, as potentially devastating and life threatening as that situation may be to the person i am trying to help, i am likely to be held liable for the whole damned thing. especially if someone's reputation is damaged in the process. it is highly likely that a person will only see that this stupid addict showed up and ruined their life. they may even blame the addict for causing the thing to begin with.
• some people like fire, and would prefer to just stay there and burn. hard to believe, but true.
• if i have a big head, and it's too big for a hat, no fire hat in the world is going to save my head from getting fucked up. i am going to get burned. (i.e. i have 14 months clean... i can handle it!)

so there it is whether i like it or not. i am an addict with a big head. i walked into a fire. i got burned. i helped someone, but they hate me for it. now, today, my head is fucked up.

i will write some more when the storm passes. 

blessings!

---j

do not speak to a fool, 

for he will scorn the wisdom of your words

proverbs 23:9 (niv)

the one thing

 we don't yet see things clearly. we're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. but it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! we'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as god sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

1 corinthians 13:12 (the message)

spirituality, to me, is a very different thing than religion.

i call myself a christian. however i consider myself a spiritual christian, and have no desire at all to be a religious one.

over the course of my life thus far, i have explored several different areas of spirituality and have obtained information about many different religions. which religions and exactly what spiritual paths are inconsequential and irrelevant to this post. i chose to state my chosen spiritual path above only to satisfy your own curiosity if, in fact, that curiosity exists. (and because this is my blog and i will write whatever i want to.)

so, let's get on with it. as a result of my explorations and experiences there is one thing that i really feel that i have learned. something that i feel is rather indisputable (which will, of course, provoke disputation). this is the one thing that i have learned and that i feel is absolutely (and really truly), true. XD

this may be difficult to follow. i am going to articulate it as best i can. however i don't think that the essence of what i am going to say will require much intelligence. just a bit of acceptance and willingness to accept the truth whether it is what we have been conditioned to believe or not. one more thing: i am not trying to generate any kind of "following" concerning this thing. i came to the realization of this thing by walking my own path. i suggest you do the same. 

it would seem that there is something very powerful and very timeless that exists, something invisible. something that all varieties of people throughout the existence of mankind have claimed to have witnessed or communicated with through various revelatory experiences. people's descriptions and beliefs concerning the nature of this thing and how we should respond to it's existence are as countless as the stars.

it exists. because it exists, that means that everything else that exists has some kind of relation to it. we exist in a place and time and state of being that is relative to this thing. a central scientific  fact that is important to keep in mind as i continue to blabber, is this: no two things can occupy the same space at the same time. what this means is that no two people can or will ever relate to this thing in exactly the same way at the same time.

anything that exists has form. let's pretend for the sake of illustration that this thing is similar in form to a diamond. diamonds have many facets. some facets are clearer than others. some facets are extremely flawed. sometimes if you compare different facets of the same diamond,  you might not believe that you are still looking at the same diamond! everyone that has ever existed has experienced and related to this diamond from a different perspective.

now, sometimes you will have two people who are very near to one another concerning how they relate to the thing. they may be so near one another's position in relation to the thing that it might even seem to them that they are seeing it exactly the same way. they might believe that they are in agreement about everything concerned with it. however, if one of them were to ever express a perception of the thing that differed from the other person's perception, well then they might begin to think that one of them had bumped their head too hard and was going a little crazy. sadly, they would each almost certainly conclude that the other person was wrong about the point of disagreement. 

often there are large groups of people who all stand together and adore the way they see the thing together. they might have a little disagreement about what they are seeing, but they see enough of it commonly that they feel confident enough that they see are looking at the same thing that they can call it by the same name. that is, so long as the important parts remain agreed upon.

while all of this agreement and gathering is going on in that particular spot, the same thing is happening at many other places all around the thing. large congregations are gathering and adoring the thing together. the farther apart these congregations are, the more obviously their collective agreements differ from each other.

each congregation is so convinced that the way they see the thing is right, and they love their perspective so much, that they can't imagine that there is any other way to see it. inevitably, people from these congregations cross paths. when they share their knowledge of the thing with one another, there is a good possibility that one group of people may call red what the other sees as blue, important as what the other sees as unimportant, and most potentially tragically (historically tragically as a matter-of-fact), wrong what the other sees as right.

these congregations may be convinced that each others ideas differ so strongly from their own that they actually feel threatened. another thing they might think is that the other people's perceptions are morally and ethically wrong to such an extent as to deem that particular congregation as unworthy to continue living. so in the name of the way they see the the thing, they wage war.

whew! that was a lot about large common congregations.

i want to touch on some other cases that occur concerning relation to the thing.

there are some people who stand alone. no-one ever approaches their way of seeing the thing, ever. the clarity of how these people see the thing can vary widely. some of them are in a position that they see it from a seriously flawed perspective. even so, i am going to venture to say that there is probably something in this point of view that is appealing and clear enough to the person that they want to stay right where they are. maybe some of the people that stand alone see the thing from such a clear perspective that we count them as radicals, writing them off as being as nutty and insane as the guy who is seeing almost all flaws, when there is a possibility that they see the thing more clearly than anyone else ever has.

some people are closer to the thing than others. some people are very far away. i don't know that nearness or farness necessarily have anything to do with how badly a person wants to be near the thing, either. a person could have a very strong desire to draw near the thing. they may inquire of other people and they might even try viewing the thing from other people's perspectives. maybe this is beneficial and maybe it's not. it's hard telling not knowing, being that it's hard to tell just how clearly others see without first getting very close to them and trying their perspective on for size. so this method of trying to see the thing better could just as easily be detrimental as productive. in turn, the person who is very near the thing may have been fortunate to be surrounded with people who have guided them to a wonderfully clear view. however, that doesn't mean that they give a rat's ass about it or that they will ever give much attention to the thing.

a bit of irony: many people who begin their lives very near the thing are so familiar with it that they regard it as a common and are hard pressed to appreciate the beauty and the energy of the thing. in contrast, the person who begins afar may find themselves charged and zealous to experience more of it every time they catch a new glimpse of the thing.

there are certain people who i have heard of (i am not entirely convinced that they exist, but i don't entirely discount their existence, either), who claim that they have never even seen the thing at all. i am going to say that even though they may have their back turned or their eyes closed, nothing can change the plain and simple truth that they are still in relation to the thing.

some people travel all around the thing gaining as much insight as they can from as many perspectives as possible. sometimes they continue this for a lifetime. often, though, they will eventually settle on a favorite perspective. 

other people make it their business to run amuck and try to persuade other people to come and see the thing their way.

just this morning it occurred to me that sometimes individuals can get too close to other individuals (sometimes right in their face), obstructing people's personal points of view.
 
and just as i wrote that, another one came to me. some people actually try to make such a spectacle of themselves that they distract other people and divert people's attention off of the thing and onto themselves...

i think i have successfully exhausted all of the examples in my arsenal at the moment :)

now, for the point of all this...

no matter how we see it, we are all looking at the same thing. at it's core, in the middle, the meat and potatoes of the thing is the same. consider how many different faiths all over the world, throughout time, are possessed of people who claim to have had profound, and intense spiritual experiences through which they have claimed to have some sort of contact or touch or message or revelation from this thing. i, myself, can be counted among them. i have had an encounter with the thing that i will never be able to deny. it was physical,  it was spiritual, it was emotional... it was very real. 

there are people all around the world who speak other languages and who have different daily routines and who have beliefs that are very different from the beliefs than i have who claim to have had an equally undeniable encounter. hell, there are people who live down the block who see the thing differently than i do who can stake the same claim.

i would be remiss (as well as disgustingly egotistical), to suggest that they are liars or that they are mistaken or that their experience came from some kind of dark and hellish realm.

the core of this thing is love and acceptance of everything that surrounds it, for all "us things" came from it. can we do as the thing does? can we just exist and love and accept without forcing everyone else to abide by our own will and ascribe to our own ideas?

my ways are flawed. i know that much. it is because i know that than i can accept that everyone else's ways are imperfect as well. i can be willing to not judge them. i don't find it necessary to wage war with you because you don't choose to come over here and see the same flaws that i do.

blessings!

---j

"when you have reached your own room, be kind to those who have chosen different doors and to those who are still in the hall. if they are wrong they need your prayers all the more; and if they are your enemies, then you are under orders to pray for them. that is one of the rules common to the whole house."

~c.s. lewis

sticks and stones

the tongue has the power of life and death,

and those who love it will eat its fruit

proverbs 18:21 (niv)

words.

they are such small things.

deceptively small.

the written word: seemingly nothing more than an assembly of sound-representing symbols.

the spoken word: a vocalization of sequential sounds that translate thoughts into an audible form.

the primary function of the word: the translation of thought into a form that is useful for communication.

with our words, we wield an incredible power. we combine them into sequences that reflect our thoughts and our attitudes. then, we unleash them into the world. once they have been unleashed, they do something almost, well... dare i say magickal?

the moment these words penetrate another human being, they change things...

(a brief tangent)

information. information is the primary thing that words introduce to a person when they are received. information can be useful, or it can be useless. it can be productive, and it can be destructive.

here is an anomaly: misinformation. this anomaly occurs in two forms. intentional, and unintentional.

intentional misinformation is also known as a lie, and unintentional misinformation can also be called ignorance.

(tangent concluded XD)

so, getting back to this notion that words change things...

i have found that when my attitude is good, i tend to speak good things. positivity flows from me. and often the things that i speak produce a chain reaction that begins to influence the people who receive the words that i am speaking. of course, the same holds true vice-versa. when someone enters the scene who is flowing with positivity and who is pouring that positivity out through their mouth, it has a definite and recognizable influence on the way that i feel. sometimes their words can evoke a smile from me, and perhaps a laugh will follow. when these things begin to happen, the magick compounds. but that is another story for another day.

i can build up and design and decorate a wonderful atmosphere of positivity all around me. this building takes time, effort, and commitment.

now, another thing that i have discovered is that with one fell swoop of the tongue i can tear down all that i have labored to build. unfortunately, sometimes i don't stop right away either. sometimes, i slice and cut and bash and just do everything i can to wreak as much devastation upon things as possible. it's bad enough that i have destroyed the product of my labor, even worse is this: people get wounded in these attacks...

i am rather well practised at the art of destruction. i have caused more pain to people that i love and care about with my words than i ever wanted to. i am severely lacking in self-control. once the gates open, i have one helluva time closing them again. it is only by the grace of the one who created me that anyone still wants to put up with me or have me be a part of their life. 

it is not necessarily easy to keep the mouth closed sometimes. indisputably, however, it is a far easier thing to keep silent than it is to deal with the wreckage that is produced once my mouth has had it's untamed way with people.

once the power of the word is unleashed, once it's influence has flown, there is no taking it back. there is no undoing the magick of the word. for better or for worse, we will eat the fruits of our lips.

"it is as easy to draw back a stone thrown with force from the hand, 

as to recall a word once spoken."

~menander

none of us are perfect. all of us will speak things that we will later wish we could simply erase from history. it's part of being human. it is experience and it is a part of our education in the schoolroom of life. life is meant to be lived. mistakes are meant to be learned from. let us make an effort, for our own sakes and for the sakes of the rest of the humans that we share this world and this lifetime with, to keep the repetition to a minimum. let us pay attention to what we are doing. we ought to be considerate of the effect that the externalization of our feelings will have on other people. don't forget that the affect that you have on other people's lives is essentially the proverbial bed that you are making, and you are going to have to lie in it.

i want to say that i am not condoning the practice of bottling one own feelings. rather, i am admonishing that we carefully consider our words and the consequences that speaking them will incur before we open the floodgates and let the tongue spew...

one last thing, please, take every opportunity to speak blessings and encouragement into one another's lives. when you are feeling weak and desperate, speak strength and hope!  the words you speak will influence and multiply! they will positively influence your environment. in turn, this newly influenced environment will produce, in you, new feelings. feelings that are ultimately the fruit of the words that you have sown into the lives of others.

cast your bread upon the waters,

for after many days you will find it again

ecclesiastes 11:1 (niv)

oh boy did i just blabber a lot! :)

i hope you find this useful in your life. keep in mind that this is a work of progress, not perfection! as long as we are mortal, we will make mistakes.

blessings!

---j

“sticks and stones may break your bones, but words can hurt like hell.”

~chuck palahniuk

let us begin...

let us begin with an introduction.

my name is jeremy, and i am pleased to make your acquaintance.

in this name i try to find some sense of identity. what an exercise in futility! today jeremy is very different than he was yesterday, and tomorrow he shall find himself, again... different.

"my being has many facets"

~ignatius j. riley

my identity is fluid. nothing in my life is static. i am always changing, as is the world around me. 

it is only with great effort and a commitment to practice positive spiritual principles that this perpetual changing is anything other than a downhill spiral resembling the antithesis of evolution. 

for me (as is the case with most of us), life has been an uphill battle. unfortunately i spent somewhere right around twenty years of my life content with sitting at the bottom of this hill, scraping the bottom of the barrel. i had this idea that conquering the great hill before me was not to be my lot in life. i felt that i was destined to make my place at the bottom and settle for what ever rolled on down my way. if i could manage to not get killed by some of the things that rolled my way, then, by damn, i was doing quite well! 

at the bottom of the hill i found a great many precious treasures that i allowed to contribute to my identity...

addict ~ thief ~ trespasser ~ junkie ~ invalid

alcoholic ~ bum ~ freeloader ~ dumpster-diver

vandal ~ dope-man ~ convict ~ liar ~ cheater

and the list goes on.

but there is something that i did gain from those years: mistakes, experiences, lessons

while i wish most of the things i have lived and experienced on no-one else, i regret none of them. the lessons that i have learned have shaped me into who i am today. jeremy, of today. and i'm okay with that.

my purpose in writing this blog, is to share with you some of the experience, strength, and hope that i found at the bottom of the hill. if it's worth something to you, fantastic. if you determine that you don't like what you get here, by all means, toss it over your shoulder. it will undoubtedly find it's way to some desperate scumbag down there who can use it.

blessings!

---j

all that i truly know, is that i know very little

~ jeremy webb ~